The Life And Testimony Of Hannah Jackson

Gospel Standard 1867:

Died, October 28th, 1866, Hannah Jackson, aged 89, a member of the church at Frederick Street, Birmingham.

She was one well taught in the things of the kingdom of God. The Lord allotted her great afflictions and great consolations from the time that he called her by grace until he called her out of this time state to join the triumphant, blood-washed throng in glory.

The following is copied from some papers found after her death: When I was about eight years of age, I remember having serious thoughts about eternity. I felt I had a soul that must live for ever either in heaven or hell. Young as I was, I used to envy everything that had no soul. I thought if I could leave off telling lies and say my prayers and read the Bible, and do all that is right, surely the Lord would save me ; but, alas! I found that the more I strove against these things, the more I sinned and stumbled.

I continued in this state, sinning and trying to be good, till I was about 18 years of age. One Sunday night I went to hear a Baptist minister, named Smith. He took for his text Job 38:7: “When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy.” As soon as he had read his text, my mind was sweetly drawn to hear him, and I thought within myself, ‘Oh that I might die the death of the righteous, and that my last end might be like his!’ But something within me said, “Should you like to live the life of the righteous?” I thought, “No; for they are always singing or praying. They never go to wakes or fairs;” of which I was very fond. I saw under this sermon that I could do nothing towards saving my soul. I thought, “If I am elected I shall be saved, live how I may; and if I am not, but go to hell, there will be plenty there besides me.”

About this time I was married to a God-fearing young man; but my heart was not changed. I loved the pleasures of this wicked world. I once went, unknown to my husband, to see a play. As soon as I reached the top of the stairs, such horror seized me that I was compelled to take hold of the rails to hold myself up. I felt as if I were come to the very pit of hell; and the smoke from the lamps reminded me of the smoke of their torment, ascending up for ever and ever. I could not enjoy the play, for I thought the ceiling would fall and send me quick to hell.

Soon after this, my first child was born; and in eighteen months after that, the second; and the third in about two years afterwards. In these troubles I was often afflicted. These were the means of separating me from the vanities of the world. I was now brought, in a painful way, to see and feel that all flesh is as grass. I said with David, “All men are liars,” and women, too.

I now tried to look up to God, but felt so overcome with a burden of guilt and sin, I could say nothing but, “God be merciful to me, a sinner!” I now longed to know if I was one of God’s elect, but thought it impossible. That Scripture seemed to cut me off: “many are called, but few chosen.” I was very fond of my eldest child, and often spoke to him about the things of another world. At the age of five years, he was taken ill and died. Just before he died he broke out in such an earnest manner and said, “Mother, mother! I want to die, to go to God.” A few minutes afterwards he said, “I have seen the Lord, and he has gone back through the sky.” As soon as he was dead, I felt as if God was tearing part of my flesh from me. In a few days after his death, I was afraid he was gone to hell. Such enmity rose in my mind that I looked up to the sky and wished I could pull God from his throne. Then I trembled, lest God should call me away; and these words seemed to cut me through: “Prepare to meet thy God.” I continued tried about my child. I wanted to know if he was saved, when a Methodist said to me, “Did you teach him the way of salvation?” This sank into my heart. I thought, “Oh my child is gone to hell because I have not taught him the way of salvation.” This was too much for my poor mind. I put both my hands to my head and was going to tear off my hair, when those words came into my heart, “Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

Soon after this, I felt my heart cleave to my youngest child, and I thought, “Now I will have my revenge on God. He has taken away Charley, but I will love Edwin in his place. In two days my Edwin was taken suddenly ill in a fit, and my other little boy, four years of age, was seized with a burning fever, and in a few hours breathed his last. Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, he did not leave me to myself, but enabled me to give him up into his hands. I did not know then that it was the Lord, but I know now. My Edwin was restored. God took my children that he might humble me. Oh how I was led to seek him and ask him to be in a work in my soul!

I now began to feel truly wretched and miserable. Let me be doing what I would, my guilty soul, death, and the day of judgment were in my mind. I used to fall upon my knees to pray, for I thought all prayer must be said upon the knees; but my heart felt so hard I thought I was mocking God. Then I read the Bible, but that condemned me. Sometimes I walked about the house, crying, “O my hard heart; my guilty soul!” One day, while in this state, as I was coming down stairs, these words came with power: “Thou shalt see the salvation of God.” I did not know then what salvation meant; but the words melted my heart; my eye overflowed with tears. I stood still and said, “Lord, if I do see it, let it be in the redemption of my soul.” I was so blind and ignorant, I did not know that those longings and desires were prayers’. I found much sweetness in asking God to begin a work of grace upon my soul.

About this time the sins of my childhood came into my mind, and I felt God’s holy eye was upon me. Some days my burden was so great that, but for the thoughts of a hereafter, I should have destroyed myself. I now longed to hear the gospel preached. I went eight miles to hear Mr. S. His discourse was much blessed to me; but I was afraid my religion was not deep enough. I asked the Lord to make my religion deep. One night I slept at my sister’s, and was much troubled through a dream. I thought I should be lost. I did not know that Jesus was the way, the truth, and the life. In the morning I went down stairs in great distress and took up a book called the “Gospel Standard.” I opened upon some verses which begin: 

“What is this within my heart 

That hope and fear inspires?

When shall I find the promised rest 

My soul so much desires?”

These verses were blessed to me. My eyes overflowed with tears, and I was helped to hope again that, after all, I might be found amongst God’s children. The same day I saw some people going to the races. I thought, “Ah! A few years ago I should have been glad to go with you; but now I see it is all vanity.” While I was thinking upon these things, I felt such love in my heart to the Lord that I cannot describe. I looked up and said, “Lord, do let me be one of thy children.” The same night I felt I was a great sinner. My conscience was so burdened with guilt I thought my body would burst under it. I felt as if God’s holy eye was upon me. I ran up stairs, thinking to run away from him; and as I went I beat upon my breast, and cried aloud, “I be a sinner. I have sinned against the Most High God.” I sank down in a corner of my bedroom. I felt as if the holy eye of God would sink me, body and soul, into hell. I cried out, “Where can I go? If I ascend up into heaven, he is there; if I descend into hell, he is there. What must I do? God be merciful to me, a sinner.” When I had groaned this out, I felt the load of guilt removed from my conscience. I got up and went down stairs. Whenever my husband saw me crying, he thought I was crying over the children, and I did not tell him different. I would not tell any one what I was passing through till I was sure it was the work of God.

In this state I went to bed and passed a fearful night. It was opened up to me how God made Adam without sin, and that through his fall we had all continued to get worse and worse and more denied through sin. Here I felt I was lost, lost, and I was constrained to tell the Lord he would be just and righteous if he sent me to hell; and it seemed as if there was nothing to look forward to but fiery indignation to consume my guilty soul. O what a holy, holy God is the God of Jacob!

Truly he was as a consuming fire to my soul. My little hope was burnt up, and I could see no way whereby he could save my lost, sinful soul. I can neither write nor tell what I felt. I gave myself up to live in hell for ever and ever. Towards morning, I fell asleep. When I awoke, these words were on my mind and much encouraged me: “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy.” I got up, and as I went about the house I cried, “Mercy; mercy! O Lord, have mercy on me!” I went into the wash-house to try to wash, when all at once I felt such ii blessed sweet peace flow into my soul that I was forced to sit down. Then these lines came into my soul with a power and sweetness I had never felt before:

“Not all the blood of beasts 

On Jewish altars slain,

Could give the guilty conscience peace, 

Or wash away the stain.”

I thought, “No, it never will. I must have Christ.” I felt that if the Lord offered me an angel I should say, “No, that will not do. I must have Christ, his very self.” Then these words came: “Sing aloud, O heavens, for the Lord hath done it;” and then these words: “O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest.” The immortal sweetness that attended these portions I never can tell. It lasted about two hours. Then it began to dwindle away, and I began to wonder if this was the work of God.

I was pretty comfortable through the day, but on the morrow I took up the “Gospel Standard,” and read that a person might go a good way in religion, and then become like the dog that turns to his vomit again. This threw me into great distress. I felt afraid I should go after those things which I could now feelingly say I hated. This made me weep bitterly.

I was kept several days in this distress; but at last I felt as if Jesus asked me if I thought he was able to keep me, and I cried, “Yes, Lord; but wilt thou save such a wretch as I?” I was led to see how the Lord had bowed his ear to hear my cry. This sweetly humbled me before him.

The next night my husband was away from home. I had for months felt afraid to go to bed by myself, but the Lord permitted me to go in peace, for I felt all my sins were gone. As I lay in bed, I saw the Lord Jesus Christ on the Cross. I knew nothing of a sight by faith; so I opened my eyes to see if I could see him; but I could not. It was a doleful, glorious sight. “Well might Isaiah say he was smitten, stricken of God, and afflicted. I saw his pierced hands and feet, I cannot tell what I felt. It was indeed a sight of joy and sorrow. I felt that if I died that night I should go to heaven. In the morning these words were in my heart: “Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” I felt it was so, for my room, my feelings, and every thing seemed new. My sins were .all gone. The fear of death, the day of Judgment, the holy, piercing eye of God, and that burning wrath which I had felt in my conscience were all gone. Afterwards I felt dissatisfied, because the Lord had not told me that I was one of his children. The cry of my soul was:

“Assure my conscience of her part 

In the Redeemer’s blood.”

The next day I went to chapel in Birmingham. The minister spoke from these words: “No man can come to me except the Father which has sent me draw him.” My heart was so melted within me that I ran off home without the person who went to chapel with me. As I was going home, the Lord spoke these words into my heart:

“Jesus sought me when a stranger, 

Wandering from the fold of God.”

Then this portion came: “It is good for me that I have been afflicted.” With gladness of heart and tears of joy I looked up and said, “Lord,be these things for me? Be these things for me?” At night I went to chapel again; but did not get anything. After service I told an old lady my experience. She said, “It is the work of God.” As she spoke, I felt the Lord Jesus come into my heart. When I reached home, I could hardly keep from exclaiming, “I have found the pearl.” I went to bed with this precious Jesus in my heart as sure as ever Simeon held him in his arms.

The next morning, I asked the Lord to tell me himself that I was one of his children; and O amazing grace! As I sat by myself, the Lord showed himself. No tongue can tell what joy and peace flowed into my soul. He did not speak to me, but he permitted me, a sinful, vile worm, to look up to him and say, “Intreat me not to leave thee nor from following after thee; for where thou art there I will be also.” Then I thought I should some day fall from being a child of God; but the Lord spoke these words into my heart: “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.” My sinkings all left me, and I said, “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and praise his holy name;” when such glorious light burst into my soul that everything was made plain to me. I saw the way the Lord had led me ever since I was a child. I saw and felt that it was my sins that helped to make him sweat great drops of blood, and when he said, ”It is finished!” it was for my polluted soul. I did not know what to do; but I fell at his feet with my heart full of love and solemn joy, with tears running down my face. I asked him how he could choose and die for such a sinful worm as I? He answered, “Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in thy sight.” Here I had such a sight of my sins and such a sweet assurance within that they were all laid upon Jesus that I asked him again how he could think to save such a sinful, vile worm? He said, “I am God. I do what I will in the armies of heaven and amongst the inhabitants of the earth.” O what power and sweetness came with these words! I then felt there was no hows nor whys, but he saved me because he would save me. I cannot tell what I felt. The Lord kept speaking to me. He said, “This is the new birth; this is the peace which the world cannot give nor take away. Mercy and truth have met together on thy account.” Then these lines came:

“O glorious hour, O blest abode!

I shall be near and like my God!”

I rose from my seat with tears running down my face. I clasped my hands and said, “What shall I do my Saviour to praise?” I felt so full of love to Jesus I could not praise him enough; and O what burning love came into my heart towards all God’s people, those whom he chose in Christ Jesus before the foundation of the world. I was obliged to go and tell the old lady who said that it was the work of God upon my soul what the Lord had done for me, and how he had appeared for me; and as I was telling her, these words came with sweetness into my heart: “I know that my Redeemer liveth. I shall see him as he is and be like him.” I was enabled to say, “Christ is mine and I am his; Centre, source, and sum of bliss.”

I could now look back upon the way the Lord had led me, and bless and praise him for all the troubles, trials, and afflictions which he had seen fit to lay upon me.

In those days of joy and peace, the Lord Jesus drew nigh to my soul, and while reading his word permitted me, dust and ashes, to hold communion with Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. One night, as I lay in bed, the glory was so great that my poor body began to sink under it. I told him he must either strengthen my body or go away a little while. I was permitted to spend several blissful days and nights, as it were, with my heart and affections in heaven.

Soon after this, I felt gloomy and dark, and Satan came to me and said: “You thought you were all right, but you see he has left you, and I shall have you after all.” I began to be sore afraid of him, but I said, “The Lord Jesus has promised never to leave nor forsake me.” Satan said, “Yes; but when you come to be afflicted, he will, and when you die I shall have you.” This made me sink, and I cried out, “O Lord Jesus, thou didst promise never to leave nor forsake me. Do come and send the devil away, or strengthen me against him; “and he did strengthen me, and I said, “It is a lie, devil, for “Christ my ransom died.” Then he left me, and I blessed the Lord for the deliverance. I had been thinking that I had done with that old serpent and my wicked heart; but, alas! I began to find they had not done with me.

About this time I began to take in the “Gospel Standard” regularly, and the Lord, in mercy, blest it to my soul. It was some time before I knew what a backsliding heart was; and when I heard the Lord’s children talk about it, I used to go into secret and tell the Lord I would sooner die than live to crucify him afresh, and open his wounds again. One day, while I was telling him this, I had such a sight of the sufferings of Christ that I cried out, “Lord, let me die sooner than live to sin against thee, either in thought, word, or deed;” when these words came into my soul: ”Father, I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.”

I was now led to see that the ordinance of believers’ baptism was the command of the Lord Jesus, and I felt a love to it and & desire to follow him in it.

But now the Lord withdrew the light of his countenance, and permitted such abominable things to work within my heart that at times I almost concluded the Spirit of God had forsaken me. I had never read nor heard of any who had had their sins pardoned feeling such things; but I found the Lord true to his word, where he says: “If I go away, I will come again;” and so he did, and enabled me, a sinful, dark, polluted worm, to rejoice in his unchangeable love; and he told me again he would never leave nor forsake me.

I and my husband now attended Frederick Street Chapel. Here I found honey, milk, and wine. After we had attended about three years, I felt a desire to see the Lord’s Supper administered. One night I stayed, and while the people were singing the first hymn, my soul was filled with joy in the thought of the Lord’s love and goodness to sinners. While Mr. Roff was speaking, I had such a sweet view of Jesus with his disciples in the garden, that I said, “Lord, is this the way thy children meet?” I asked him if it was his almighty will that I should join his church below that he would make a way for me for Jesus’ sake. This was a sweet time to my soul. When service was over, one of the members shook hands with me, and said, “We hope to see you amongst us before long.” From this time I felt a love to the people and a longing desire to walk in the commandments of the Lord Jesus, and I could not rest till I was joined to that people; but unbelief, affliction of body, and the fear of man made me groan and say, “O wretched, sinful woman!” But the Lord encouraged me with this line: “He’ll never leave thee; doubt it not.” I often begged of the Lord to support my poor afflicted body, so that when I came before the church I might tell what he had done for my soul; and he gave me several promises that as my day my strength should be.

About this time the Lord appeared to me in a dream; and when I awoke I was constrained to say, “For love like this, let rocks and bills Their lasting silence break.”

In two days after this I went before the church and was received; but the baptizing was delayed, as two or three others were expected to join the church, my husband being one of them. Before I was baptized, the Lord hid his face from me, and I sank very low. Being afflicted with cold shivering fits, I felt afraid I should have them in the water. This made me groan to the Lord. Sometimes I thought I should die in the water, and then what would become of my children. One cold frosty morning I was tempted to put my arms and feet into a tub of cold water to see how I could bear it; but the Lord led me to see it was the devil, and enabled me to say, “Get thee behind me, Satan, for thou savourest not the things which be of God but the things which be of men.” The day before I was baptized, the Lord took away the fear of the water, and a sweet peace took possession of my soul; so that I could leave children, body, soul, and everything in his hands. The feelings of my soul were, “Come life, come death, I long to go through the water.” Mr. Ferns, who baptized me, preached from the words: “Then they that gladly received his word were baptized.” It was a sweet time to my soul, and while they were singing the last hymn, my heart burned with love to Jesus, his people, and his ways. When I came out of the water, the feelings of my soul were, “Bless the Lord, O my soul, for all his mercies and loving-kindnesses which he has caused to pass before me to the present time. To whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

This was on Christmas Day, 1857. After this date she did not put down any of her experience, but she was a woman who lived very near to the Lord. She was a very choice Christian from the time of her baptism till her death. She was almost constantly afflicted. Both in summer and winter she suffered with shivering fits. She often had to be covered with two or three extra blankets in the heat of summer. She frequently had to turn back after she had started to the house of God, and sometimes to go out during the service. She tried many physicians, but all to no purpose. Her complaint baffled all medical skill; but as her affliction abounded, her consolation abounded also. Her conversation was almost entirely upon the things of God.

I saw her on October 23rd. She was in great pain of body, suffering from cold chills. She said, “What a mercy that I have not to seek God now! That is all done. I know all is right between God and my soul; but I have felt such things rising in my heart against God that I thought I should curse and swear.” She said. “I told my attendant not to be surprised if she heard me curse and swear, for it came up into my mouth, only it did not come out; but,” she said, “it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me; but I have had the word of God with me, not with any particular power, but just powerful enough to counteract the workings of sin.”

On Oct. 25th she was happy, and said, 

“See the kind angels at the gates

To welcome weary pilgrims in.”

On Oct. 26th she said to her husband, “My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.” She would have the chapter read. Then she said, “I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall he able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus the Lord.”

After this she was not able to speak much; but her husband wished her, if she was happy when she died, to give him a sign by lifting up her right hand. She lay for some time; then got restless, and worked her hand as if she wanted to raise it. Her husband thought she wanted a pillow. He fixed it, and she gradually raised her arm, gave the desired signal, and with a sweet, peaceful calm upon her countenance, entered into the joy of her Lord.

J. Dennett

Birmingham

[We scarce remember ever reading a clearer or more blessed experience than the above account, and it is all the more valuable as written by her own pen. ED.]